|
collegeG
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Josh
Country: United States
State: Mississippi
Metro: Hattiesburg
Birthday: 12/2/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Christ. Love. Music. Trees. Social Justice. People. Conversation.
Expertise: Grilled cheeses.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  jcasper2004
Member Since:
4/15/2004
|
|
|
I feel the next words you're going to say will break my heart.
Sometimes they do – but in the best way possible. Because I need them to bust me open.
I am so thankful for communication. Even in the smallest ways and thankful that it is not out of a place that seeks violent submission or quiet misunderstanding.
Sometimes we need to figure things out in this moment and sometimes we need to talk for a long time – even as our eyes grow heavy – these words are necessary and we both need them to feel at peace.
“Lay down your weapons…” I tell myself. It sounds easy.
Just put them down.
Listen..
Put them down.
You can see much better when you’re not staring down a scope or clutching to such sharp words.
I think it’s interesting how communicate sounds so close to community…as though we were supposed to be paying attention to that obvious fact the whole time.
I’m a words guy.
I love them – I think about small sentences during the day that would make good conversation…but never actually get around to writing them.
It is my love language.
It is how I best connect with another human being. The biggest mountains in my life can be moved with a few meaningful words.
I’ve devoted much of my reading time this year to the art of forming words for change…internally, socially and artistically. There is so much to learn, so much to express, and so much to dig up when it comes to story.
I’m so intrigued with something as simple as communication. Even in some of the more simple instances, I find our reactions to be huge things. So much comes from reaction – from being defensive to being acceptive. I suppose this can relate to war, as I feel so much of war is miscommunication – it’s a violent reaction to a certain issue.
But there is a war in miscommunication – there is ‘quick to fire’ responses that leave more injured than not.
Sometimes, I get too lost to speak.
Sometimes, the introvert in me just needs to rest for a while before I can pick up heavy words…and at times, even the lighter ones.
I contemplate on communication and what it involves – when my quietness seems to scream “Hear me.” – but doesn’t quite make sense…
because I’m not actually…saying anything.
This, I am learning…
To communicate my heart with another.
Because, I’m a sucker for words…because what you're about to say could break my heart in the best way possible.
One of my favorite definitions of non-violent communication is this:
“To create human connections that empower compassionate giving and receiving.”
To give and receive – this is communication at its finest in my opinion.
We learn to hear the deeper needs of another human: empathy and compassion.
As for me, I’m learning how to be a better listener. I’m learning how to better speak into others and offer that empathy and compassion.
I’m learning to lay down my weapons.
And in the words of Jonezetta.
“Communicate.”
| | |
|
what am i to do.
with these hands.
with his hands.
with your hands.
crippled.
clutching to his last cigarette;
with bent knuckles on this chilly night.
bad habits,
few teeth,
sweet tooth. literally.
we laugh and hug,
leftover sandwiches and cold soda.
a tied knot upon your head
what stories lie there if I could only see them as truth;
but who am I to judge you...Beloved?
Child. Father. Man.
Homeless. Brother. Liar. Prophet. Lover.
conflicted with what to do with you.
you're lying. you're lying. you're lying.
but here's 20 bucks.
God knows that I want the best for Him.
Dignity. Respect. A full belly. A bit of comfort.
listening. hoping. understanding.
shaking my head.
I help tie your shoe;
and tear up and realize how undignifying that must be
to not be able to tie your own shoe; but you don't mind
because it needs to be tied.
I sit to process God's heart.
for humanity; for my wife. for me.
for the art that is in the trees gracing the moon and vice versa.
I process God's heart for the Poor.
saints and sinners alike - all in the rhythm of the Spirit;
hard times. come again no more.
you tell me how hard it is to smell your own shit,
because you have a hard time finding a place to go.
who is to let in this poor old soul.
your own stench. you tell me how it smells worse than an animal.
I moan as I try to lean into your suffering.
oh, wouldn't life be easier if I didn't care.
you reap what you sow, dear brother.
and when I collapse at your feet,
your suffering in strong through my nostrils.
constant questioning. your cardboard sign.
the crumbs upon my own shirt.
i have to eat to. but i can offer small things.
conversation. a warm seat. a bathroom and a warm meal.
respect. empathy. laughter. hugs. story. strawberries and vanilla coke.
hands on the plow;
digging up earth where I lay my head.
it's plantin' time.
| | |
| The sun is shining bright in Portland this morning.
It's amazing the effect a day of Sun has on the people here. And now, especially me.
People get out in their gardens, sit on their porches, act a bit friendlier and over all gracious for the day.
where have the weeks gone?
I'm not complaining, but I feel like I've been so busy, or at least distracted enough to not notice the time that's gone by.
I'm getting married in a couple of weeks, and it's funny to get others' reactions...like, "Wow! That's soon!" And I reply a simple, "Yep." Like I'm surprised that it's coming? Ha. I don't know, maybe I'm supposed to reply with some crazy, worried "I know! waah!"
but, I don't.
It catches me in little waves...but I've processed them as they come...and it's been good for me.
I've been learning so..so much. The term "pre-marital counseling" sounds funny to me. It sounds like you have issues. (which..hell, maybe we do..) but it's more gentle than that.
We've decided to call it, "marital friendships" - ha, with a sense that we're continuing to learn about each other in a way that's rooted in theology and God's grace and understanding.
I can't express how blessed we are to have Sarah and Clint...who are, I guess you say, "Wedding" us in a couple of weeks...(AHH! A COUPLE OF WEEKS!!!) heh.
kidding.
It helps that I respect them so much...and their journey inspires me to be more like Jesus and to offer equality in a marriage, though my traditionalism has fought through a lot, I am thankful for the new eyes and bigger heart I have for these issues.
I had recently wrote about Church and Feminism...how lots of things in my heart didn't line up. And it's still a process and it still hurts.
I don't, by any means, have it figured out. But have come to the conclusion that for me, being a man, forces me to process it thoroughly, and healthily.
It means...that...me being a man, almost takes it up a radical step by loving my neighbor - if you take Jesus seriously. Loving my neighbor means becoming an even greater servant - it means serving Hannah like I would serve Jesus.
This gives me the opportunity to be loved...to love...to hurt...to suffer and to feel joy beyond anything...or any experience I've ever had.
The thing about love....is that it knows no capacity nor boundary.
My personality tests say that being an idealist can be a trap for me...ha. And though that's true - it's also good for me.
These "sessions" are digging up heavy, heavy things. But, into a space where I feel safe to share - when I know people who are listening are...listening.
I have missed this sense of community - of other hearts grabbing hold of your own - ahh..how I have missed it. To see this couple who have been through Seminary and who are pastors and who know Scripture say they understand and feel the same way as I do...especially about equality, and what that means in marriage. Goodness gracious, my heart overflows.
...my heart overflows.
and Mother God hears..
and Father God hears..
both leading me in the
ways I need a mother
and father to lead.
words on a computer screen these are...
but are so deeply planted into my soul, that someday
spring will bring out its fruit for my neighbors to see.
The neighbors that Jesus tells me to love.
and forgive. and die for.
goodness gracious.
my heart overflows. | | |
| not that things are necessarily fast, but that time is always moving forward.
it almost works like a high dive.
when you're at the top, looking down --toes curled over the end.
someone pushes you and you land messy and unprepared for the water that rushes up your nose and down your throat.
it stings and it scares you for a moment - sometimes it makes you angry. but you're alive and you're okay.
it just...scared you. sometimes life feels that way. of course, in my mind, constantly processing what I feel people are thinking or perceiving.
****
the trees are beginning to bloom here.
I am constantly amazed of how intricately the world is in tune with itself when I can't even seem to grasp one tiny thing.
sometimes I crave a schedule...or something solid. something that I can make plans on -- but my lifestyle is just a little wobbly right now.
I'm still learning people and places. It's aggravating at times. The misunderstanding and the things I find funny, but others look at me with a leaning ear and ask me again what I say - I usually shrug it off and say, "ah, nevermind." and smile.
i laugh louder these days.
sometimes becoming overly conscious that I do - it's funny in itself. I'm not one to ever laugh really loud, but remember that it's awfully contagious. laughter.
Sometimes I want to escape into the woods for a bit of silence, and maybe a little understanding. for what's real - for whether or not writing things actually help me, or lead to further conviction, or complication.
I fight this freedom to make my words known, to understand the backlash of things not agreeable. It helps me, believe it or not, and is healthy.
I wonder whether or not laying low would be good for me, or to constantly question these life things that can be saturated with injustice and hate, or is it healthy to brush them off and just live life the best I can.
I realize it's a little funny or weird to read some things I say, especially for those who have known me and expect me to be quiet and timid. In these ways, I can be - but as for anyone willing to read these things, it is me.
quiet, obviously.
not quite as shy.
i love finding a good song. i love that I got to see a newly-wed good friend and his wife this past week. i love that i was able to show off portland.
i love that i will always love love love mississippi. i love that i love both places. i love that change is uncomfortable. i love that it pops and cracks and feels right. i love that i can write and that sometimes I can't. (well, maybe.)
things that have been haunting me lately:
a video of accused Kenyans being burned alive for witchcraft.
an article on African women being mutilated and raped by the police that claim to help them. how they are forever physically disabled and ashamed. what dignity they can never get back.
the fact that we will most likely never have to see people being burned alive or face the fact that our sisters and mothers will be safe.
You wonder maybe...why I watch or read these things? That's a good question. I feel like it's necessary. Sometimes I almost throw up. Sometimes it makes the rest of my day full of hard, hard questions.
But I realize it's necessary for me to see and hear these things. It makes me responsible and I hope that some person out there knows that I know...and feels a bit of dignity or justice because of that....that their story is known.
stories are important.important.important.
never think that one person cannot teach you something because of age or experience.
a bit scattered...yep.
aching to slow down.
to see the sun and feel it warm.
to give and give.
to treat human beings with respect.
God,
thanks for my mouth and eyes and ears and that I can use them.
thanks for the food and water (annd..coffee) I get everyday.
thanks for the roof and bed that I sometimes complain about because it's just a mat. heh.
just..
thanks.
and for forgiveness and joy and sorrow.
i'm generally thankful to know of Your hope and however It washes into the cracks of broken places.
including my heart.
joy jesu. | | |
|
